This year’s Love Island completely took this “My type on paper” phrase to a whole other level! Did anyone actually manage to count how many times it was said throughout the whole series? I’m so sure it would’ve been in the thousands! Not gonna lie, I thoroughly enjoyed watching that show and was chuffed to be gifted this super cute crop-top from LASULA with the infamous phrase on it. What I didn’t expect is that upon receiving it, it actually got me thinking… What exactly is my type on paper?
I’ve been single for so long now, nearly 12 years to be exact, and I don’t know if I’ve ever really sat down and thought about what I would like in a future partner. What is my type and do I even have a type? Mind you, up until recently, I’ve really been in two-minds as to whether or not I even want to be in a relationship right now. Like am I even ready to allow someone into my little bubble of being a single mum who’s just living my life, trying to make something of myself, and just doing me? I’ve not even been on a single date with anyone this whole time!
This particular Instagram post I did basically sums up my double-mindedness and confusion about wanting to remain single, and just continue to enjoy my carefree single black woman life, and be that one friend who doesn’t have any man-issues, and just live happily ever after… yet also having the desire to one day meet the perfect man, be completely in love, get married, have more children, preferably twins, and again, just live happily ever after…
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Now I know some people may find this hard to believe when I say this but, I genuinely enjoy being single, and if don’t ever get married, I actually think I’d be perfectly okay with it… But I do want to get married… Some day.
Honestly, these past 12 years of singleness have been such a much-needed journey of self-discovery and personal growth. I’ve learnt so much about myself along the way. My strengths, my weakness, my qualities, and my inabilities. I’ve also been able to really understand what I need in a potential partner, which I guess has better helped the process of eliminating those who have shown interest over the years, but didn’t quite fit the bill; saving me time, effort, and emotions, that probably would’ve been wasted on unnecessary relationships and heartache during these past 12 years. I’ve been very good at not allowing myself to fall for anyone who I knew wouldn’t be a good fit as a long-lasting partner, or that wouldn’t be ideal for a relationship. In fact, I think I’m actually now a pro at stopping myself from catching feelings. I should really start doing online seminars on how to not catch feelings. Would you guys sign up? Haha!
A huge part of my singleness involves my celibacy. Most of you will already know by now that I have been sexless throughout my time of being single (and that includes being sex toy-less and all forms of masturbation-less). You can hear more about my celibacy story on my YouTube channel.
Being celibate all this time has also helped in making sure that I haven’t wasted my vagina on f***boys or useless wastemen who only know how to waste your time. I’ve saved myself a lot of sex with people who don’t even deserve to be in my space let alone be in my vagina. For this, I’m grateful. How many relationships have we as females been in, that we look back on and think, “I can’t believe I let him hit!” Or we’ve bumped into an ex and thought, “What did I even see in this guy?” We can say that now because we’re no longer ‘dickmitised’. That’s the problem with sex. It can really cloud your judgement about a person and stop you from seeing sense.
If we’re talking about what my type on paper is, ideally, I’m going to need a guy who is also celibate and waiting till marriage to have sex. Yes! These men actually exist ladies. Don’t be fooled by all the madness we see online about men and some of their trash ways. I for one, refuse to believe that all men are trash, and I will never be part of ‘men are trash’ twitter. There are still some good men in this world, and I believe that there is a good, Christian, celibate man out there for me. Frankly, if I don’t believe, how can I receive?
But of course, this man needs to be other things too. For example, I’d like him to be funny, intelligent, have a job, can maybe cook, (if not, that’s fine I’ve got it), be ambitious, hard-working, positive-minded, adventurous, spontaneous, and willing to be some sort of father-figure to my daughter despite her already having a good relationship with her real dad, having his own relationship with her is very important since we do come as a package.
Now that all sounds great, but I must admit, I am not the kind of girl to date or even fancy a guy based on personality and character alone. I have to find him physically attractive, otherwise it’s just not going to work. So, let’s delve into my shallower needs in regards to my type on paper. First and foremost, he’s got to be at least 6 foot tall! I don’t care what any of you tall chicks have to say. Yes, I’m only 5 foot 3, and yes I’m taking one more tall guy off the market for my short self! Okay?! Haha!
A beard would be nice, but not completely compulsory. Good skin (preferably milk/dark chocolate, but I’m open to other flavours). Good set of teeth. Definitely needs to have some hair on his head. I’m not into bald guys at all. Slim with muscles, but not a body builder with arms that are bigger than my entire body. There has to be something about him looks-wise, that I find attractive. He may not be the typical good-looking guy, or the guy that EVERYBODY thinks is ‘foine’, he just needs to be good-looking to me… if that makes sense.
Surely such a man exists on this massive planet filled with billions of people!
I must say, I’ve definitely noticed that I’m in a very different season in my life right now where I’ve suddenly become so much more open to the idea of dating and actually allowing a guy to have my number and invite me on a date. I’m yet to actually go on a date, but I’ve been asked by a few guys recently and… erm… I may actually go!
I’m definitely going to be shitting myself when I do go, as it will be my first date in over 12 years. In fact, it would be my first date since the first date I had with my ex (who’s my daughter’s dad), back when I was 16 years old! He was my first boyfriend and has basically been my only boyfriend since!
Plus, the thought of going on a date with some complete stranger sounds so cringe-dot-com and awkward to me. Like, what do you even do? What do I wear? Are we going to just be staring at each other for hours trying to make small talk? I don’t even like small talk… Argh! Lord help me!
Personally, I prefer dates that aren’t really obviously dates, they’re more like hanging out with a male friend you already kind of know, and you both just happen to slightly fancy each other. I feel like these types of dates are better, seem more relaxed, laid back, and there’s just less pressure. Then again, I know it is possible for me to go on a date with someone I’ve just met and we could really click, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company, and have lots of banter as if we were friends, and already knew each other. I’ve met females from such scenarios who have become part of my circle of good friends, so I know it’s possible with the opposite sex too, only that we could either become just good friends or become good friends that develop into good partners within a romantic relationship, which would be ideal.
When I do end up going on these dates, I think I’ll have to do a blog post sharing my experience, but I feel like I may need to ask my dates for their permission first though. Hopefully they won’t mind. Is it even okay for me to be going on these dates with different guys? OMG! I’ve literally gone from being single AF and not even having a single guy text me, to having dates on dates lined up till Christmas! Haha! Listen, when I say I’m in a very different season in this area of my life, I’m not even joking. It’s like someone finally hit the ON button and I’m physically experiencing the openness to dating that I’ve been feeling inside over the past year or so. It’s actually manifesting.
These dates may just be dates and not one of these men will become a boyfriend, let alone my future husband; but the fact that I’m getting back out there and talking to people, and allowing people to get to know me, is a such huge step for me in itself. I’ve always been very closed off. I struggle to let my walls down, and allow people in, even with friends and family. But I’m learning to not allow my negative past experiences to not cause me to completely block everybody out all the time.
I’m slowly overcoming my fear of not wanting to get hurt or be vulnerable, and I understand that although loving someone is a risk, and things won’t always be rosy, it’s all about finding the right person who’s worth taking that risk for, and that person wanting to take that risk for you too. This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, but also applies to friendships and the people we allow into our lives and keep as close friends.
I saw this really funny post online about it currently being cuffing season and just had to share.
At this rate, I may have an actual date for Valentine’s Day 2018! If not, it will just be any other normal day for me… as usual!
So, what’s your type on paper?
You know what the Bible says about writing the vision and making it plain right (Habakkuk 2:2)? Maybe it’s time for us singletons who have the desire to get married one day, and feel ready for love, to actually write down on paper what we would like in a potential partner. This is something I think I’m going to do, and most importantly, talk to God about. He’s seen me through these years of singlehood, so I’m confident He’ll see me through this season of potentially securing a ‘bae’, and I want to make sure that I’m not doing it alone and in my own strength, but seeking God for wisdom, discernment, and guidance. As with every other area of my life, God must be involved!
What tips do you guys have for me in regards to these dates I have coming up? Drop them in the comment section below, cos I’m SO going to need it! Haha!
SHOP THE LOOK
“My type on paper” crop-top: LASULA
Bomber Jacket: Blitz London
Shorts: Miss Pap
Fire print bag: Nasty Gal
Hat: Pretty Little Thing
Hair by All Shades Covered: use my code AMINA15 for a discount.