Can you believe we actually had a summer in the UK this year?
As in, the sun was actually shining over a consecutive amount of days, weeks, and months, and the weather was actually hot.
So much so, that I didn’t even feel the desperate need to go on holiday after having two back to back holidays early on in the year in March (Morocco) and April (Turkey). I was pretty content with the amazing weather we were having in London, and I even caught a tan which had me looking like one dark chocolate snack!
I’m slowly going back to being milk chocolate as autumn looms over us and my tan’s beginning to fade along with all the nice weather, but I’m strangely looking forward to autumn and being able to layer up and not have to make so much effort with what I’m wearing. As long as I have a few statement coats, jackets, and knitwear items, all I really need to think about is which one of my 50 million pairs of jogging bottoms, trousers, and jeans do I want to wear with them, and I’m good to go!
Oh and there’ll be no need to worry about if my legs and armpits are shaved and completely hair free before I leave my house, as they’ll be covered up for at least 80% of the time anyway. The freedom!
With the Autumn months fast approaching, it’s got me reflecting on summer, and all the various things I did, the people I’ve met, the experiences I’ve had, and also the things that I’ve come to the realisation of or learnt about myself. I’ve like, realised stuff…
There are three major things that I’d say I’ve realised about myself over the summer that I believe is going to better help me in this journey we call life, and what the future will bring. I’m sharing these realisations with you, my blog readers, so that if you can identify with any of these three things that I mention, maybe it will also help you in your journey, and with whatever the future has for you.
So here they are…
The first thing I realised about myself this summer is that, the things that I told myself that I could not do, I can actually do.
It’s crazy how much we lie to ourselves. I think we could all write a book filled with all lies we subconsciously tell ourselves in our minds, on a daily basis. For so long, I’ve made so many excuses as to why I can’t do this, or I can’t do that, then the moment I decide that, actually, I CAN, guess what happened? I DID! I ACTUALLY DID!
And it’s such an amazing feeling to know that you accomplished something that you thought you could never be able to achieve. No matter how big or small that thing may be, the fact that you didn’t think you could do it, but then you finally do, it’s like you’ve just won the lottery and you’ve got your bags packed, and you’re ready to go live on a private island somewhere in the Bahamas, and you don’t ever need to worry about the rising cost of London Transport, ever again! It’s an amazing feeling!
A feeling that I want to be able to experience over and over again as I journey through life, and I continue to face challenges that I’m confronted with, running towards the things I want to do and achieve with the mindset of I CAN, no longer believing the lie that I can’t.
The second thing I realised about myself this summer is that, I’m actually capable of liking someone… someone of the opposite sex… a man!
Now let’s be clear, I’m not saying that I didn’t like men before. I’m definitely 100% straight, I’m attracted to men and only men, strictly dickly, and always have been.
What I’m saying is that, in my almost 13 years of being single, this summer, for the first time in a long time, I managed to let a few bricks from my wall down, and allow someone in a little, so much so, that I lowkey caught feelings, and became very fond of this person, and was even able to actually tell this person, face-to-face, that I liked them!
Wow! A whole me! Amina! I actually liked someone?! And told them?!
My friends who know how I am when it comes to stuff like this, and how ‘picky’ and anti-catching feelings I am, will tell you that this is a whole miracle and I must give testimony at church on Sunday, because I NEVER allow myself to like ANYONE! I’m the master of not letting yourself like someone. It’s a special skill that I’m a pro at, and I could literally run classes and seminars teaching single men and women how not to end up liking someone that you could have the potential to like. I’m even thinking as I’m typing this that this could actually be a new side hustle for me, and I need to secure the bag.
“Want to learn how to not catch feelings? Sign up for my ‘We Catch Flights, Not Feelings!’ Classes every Monday at 7pm! Just £20 per class, with a free self-help manual to take away with you.”
In all seriousness, me being able to open my heart, and let someone in, hasn’t been an easy thing for me to do. My one and only relationship experience with my daughter’s dad really affected me, (maybe one day I’ll share more on this) and for several years, I felt that I needed to build a wall around my heart in order to protect myself from ever getting hurt or being vulnerable with anyone. In some ways it was like my defence mechanism. I refused to let anyone in, and it’s something that I still struggle with till this day. I have trust issues and can admit that to myself. But I also know that in order for me to be able have a chance at finding love and settling down with the man that God has for me, I need to be open, and not have a heart of stone.
The bible tells us to guard our heart, for out of it flows the issues of life (Proverbs 4:23), and I truly believe that. However, what I was doing was more than just guarding my heart, I was completely shutting it down and not making it available for anyone, which wasn’t healthy.
I now know that I do have the ability to actually like someone, and it’s okay to. That doesn’t mean I have to marry the first person I like, because obviously, other things about them have to be assessed before allowing that like to grow further, but at least I’m more open to the possibility, and it’s not such a huge scary thing to me anymore. I’m still pretty scared of going on dates though, the thought of it alone makes me want to crawl into a hole and stay there, but baby steps, lets tackle one thing at a time, shall we?! Being able to meet someone who’s managed to actually catch my interest enough to the point of me being able to actually like them, is an achievement in itself, and a very good start for me!
Lastly, the third major thing that I’ve realised about myself this summer is that, God has given me so many hats and I’m ready to wear them all! Why limit myself? Why not tap into every aspect of my capabilities and see where they take me? If I want to explore a new role or business venture, then so be it. If it works out, great, if it doesn’t, great, on to the next! I’m just not built to be confined to one, specific career path. I’m not one of those people who’s known what they’ve wanted to be since they popped out their mother’s womb and have spent their entire lives, since birth, pursuing that one thing that want to do and become. That’s never been me. I’ve always been passionate about doing so many different things and have wanted to be everything from a doctor to an actress! I even wanted to be a Power Ranger at one point (the Blue Ranger, to be precise, cos my favourite colour is blue, obviously).
Why can’t I do it all?
Yes, I may need to focus on one venture at a time, but at least I’ll know that I tried, I gave it a go, I learnt a lot from it, and I’m continuing to grow and evolve. Life is about discovery; how can I discover what I’m really capable of doing if I don’t try things out and fully explore my various gifts and abilities? God has a purpose for my existence here on this earth, and everything He has placed inside of me must work together to accomplish that ultimate purpose. I don’t want to go to my grave having not emptied myself of all that I could have possibly done and achieved. They say the richest place on earth is the grave. A place where so many have died with the ideas they never explored, their dreams that they never chased, and their gifts that they never used.
It’s time to stop procrastinating, stop wasting time, and start making moves!
Every day is a blessing, but tomorrow is never promised…
So that’s it!
The three major things I’ve realised about myself this Summer.
I don’t know what the coming Autumn/Winter months will bring, but seasonal self-reflection moments may just be my new thing for me. I’m also thinking about seeing a Christian therapist about getting to the root of a lot of the things my self-reflection moments conjure up. Will keep you posted on how I get on with that…
In light of the change of seasons, I’ve made a wish list of all the items I’m wanting to cop for my Autumn wardrobe. If there’s anything you’re loving too, you can shop them for yourself directly from here. Happy shopping & see you on my next post!